September 1st and only 4 months :(

Well it is almost the end of the day on September 1st. It has been commented that this time last year CCAA had referred though the 22nd of July, meaning in 2007 only 4 months of LID have been referred.

This honestly doesn't look very promising. This past week has not been the best of weeks. And my outlook has not been the best. I always try to remember when I write to this Blog that my intention is to keep it for you to read some day Rorrie. I think I said before that for your sister I kept a journey but I didn't do anything for Elrik. I feel bad about that, but I was sooooo tired all the time during my pregnancy that I had all I could do to keep my head above water.

I love your brother with all my heart, but I am sure glad that I only had one pregnancy! Growing our family by adoption was absolutely the BEST thing. I know I couldn't handle being pregnant again.

But all this being said, tonight I am so sad. I know these feelings could be fueled by the loss of Var this week, but they seem so ominous. And then today with the realization that this next batch of referrals will probably only be through the 24th of September, I have a terrible feeling of dread.

Rorrie, I hope this feeling is wrong, and I hope that things change. But tonight I have the worst feeling that you have been taken away from us. My heart breaks thinking that you may never get to enjoy playing with your sister and brother. My heart breaks thinking about the stocking that may never be hung, or the awe I would see in your face the first time you see Mickey's World.

Tonight I feel defeated. I think that China will close it's adoption program, or will change the requirements again pushing us out of the program. I can't imagine how CCAA can issue referrals based on 3 year old dossier information. I also can't imagine a referral for you in May 2009 (20 months away from now). I worry that they will say your BaBa will be to old, since he is now over 50.

Tonight I throw my Kisses to the Wind and I can't imagine them reaching you. I will send them anyway. And I think I will send them for the rest of my life. Maybe you will feel them and imagine a family out there that loves you in a beautiful dream. I hope you get to have a family of your own some day. Your sister and brother, although trying at times, bring me great joy as I know you would have brought me.

Live a good life, Rorrie. Grab onto joy when you find it, dance the dance when asked and give love freely.

Kisses my darling.....